my housewife day
69
Today was a real red letter day in my life - the maid confessed she was scared of me!!! I heard her tell my wife in the morning, “But I have got to put away these clothes otherwise Uncle will get angry,” (in most Indian households, the maids call us 'Uncle' and 'Aunty' instead of the staid 'Sir' and 'Madam').
Now, to most people this may not mean much, since after all, the master of the house has got to be respected and surely in most households IS actually respected - at least by the domestic help. Not in mine! In my house, as in most others, the maids are the barometers of the power balance and mine judge it well. A normal morning’s conversation proceeds something like this:
The cast consists of Me - master of the house (nominal), Maid One who does the dusting and cooking, and the older Maid Two who does the other cleaning jobs.
Me: Is my coffee ready?
Maid One: (Too busy to answer)
ME: Is my coffee ready?
Maid One: (Too busy to answer)
Me: (Almost shouting) I said is my coffee ready?
Maid One: (Calmly) Ohh, you were asking me?
(Considering there is only me, the maid and the microwave in the kitchen who else could I be talking to? Even the maid cannot think I am daft enough to talk to microwave ovens!!!)
Me: (A little louder) Who else?
Maid One: (Without looking up) Just a moment. Aunty said to dice the veggies first.
(By this time I have placed the coffee in the microwave and put it on, confirming her earlier belief that I indeed WAS taking to the microwave.)
Me: What are we having for breakfast?
Maid One: (Looking up derisively) Have not asked Aunty yet.
Me: (By this time the coffee is ready. Needing to make some conversation in order to establish that I am indeed not the assistant veggie dicer nor Maid Three, I say very authoritatively) Ok, then make me an omelette.
Maid One: (Dropping the knife and looking up ) What??????
Me: Make me an omelette.!!!
Maid One: (Continues to look at me as if I was something that required immediate dicing.)
Me: (Opening the refrigerator door and taking out two or three eggs and placing them near her, so that she would be educated to the fact that omelettes are indeed made from eggs)
Maid One: (Giving me a look normally reserved for victims of floods and other natural calamities ) BUT (with a frown on her forehead and victory in her eyes ) have you asked Aunty? (And believe me, she flicks her hair proudly back at this stage.)
Me: (Going silent and beginning to stir the coffee very intently,as if not having heard the question)
Maid One: (Very matter of factly picking up the eggs and putting them back into the fridge)
Maid Two, meanwhile rushes off the wake Aunty who has slept through my morning walk, my morning yoga, my hub posts, my e-mail checking (all of which she lumps under chatting with strange women) and my bath and shave, in order to tell her I have once again decided to rashly decide what is good for me.
Maid One has normally by then gone back to dicing veggies and before I can begin to even plan a tactical retreat Maid Two rushes back and a long meaningful unseen look passes between the two of them, which I see very well and which clearly says, “She is coming right away to handle this b######.You did right in asking him.” They smirk and go about their dicing, cooking, cleaning and whatever whereas I sing into my coffee and retreat muttering “Ohhh, it's time to download the bank statement.”
Just as I switch on the laptop, enters the mistress of all she surveys and seeing me at the laptop mutters, “Wonder why he must talk to strange women every morning.” When, with a flourish, I audibly say, ”Ohhh, the utility cheques cleared this morning“ (to establish I was Indeed not talking to strange women) she looks at the maids who give her looks indicating that I had just tried to molest them and she imperiously tells them, “Make Uncle some porridge.”
BUT today was different. Today Sarita was busy - she runs a school which has its annual function in three days and therefore she has not only been busy but also extremely irritable and preoccupied with her work, so everyone is avoiding her until absolutely necessary. She is not coming back from school till late and most important I AM OFF FROM WORK !!!!!!
So effectively I AM THE HOUSEWIFE TODAY. I will decide where the clothes are to be kept, I will decide whether the cleaning is done properly, I will decide whether the maids can go home early, I will decide at what time they need to come in to cook, and only I SHALL decide if I need an omelette.
I very humbly offered to drop Sarita to school for which I scored a double; on the one hand I impressed her that despite all the strange women in my life I was still sensitive to the fact that she was stressed and need not drive over herself, and on the other, established firmly to the maids that I INDEED was AUNTY for the day.
So here I am - just back from dropping Sarita- the LORD of all I survey, and I have just ordered a double omelette which both maids are scrambling to make. (If I had ordered scrambled eggs would they have omeletted to make it? Just a thought.) Having finished the hub I now propose to log into chat rooms and look for strange women!
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Very funny, tongue and cheek hub my friend. I wish I had a maid or two or three. You are blessed. Can you send one my way. LOL
It seems to me you have exciting challenges, coping with interesting women :))))
An amusing and well written hub. Thank you for entertaining us. But Uncle? What happened to Burra Sahib, or at least Sahib? Or am I way behind the times.
@Linda aka Minnesota twin as it is my maid number one and maid number two think of me as maid number three in the power equation.would you want a male maid who can only just about make coffee in the microwave and knows omlettes are made from eggs?
My brother neeleshkulkarni! I want to say God bless you! You've brought a smile to my face twice today! God keep you!
Martie-you don't know the whole story yet.mine is a family heavily skewed inn favour of females which is in addition to the strange women my wife thinks i talk to every morning!!!
i will write a hub about this i guess- so when you read a hub called "The women in my life"you will know your comment inspired it.
TL the burra sahib went with the sahibs and the sahib went away with the advent of the socialist state.so now it is only the paternalistic uncle.!!!!!
incidentally most people call those older than them as uncle aunty here, or if slightly older then bhaiyya aur didi (meaning older brother or older sister) It is a warm indian tradition really.
So, how was the omelette? :D
I know. I have many Pakistan and Bangladeshi friends who use the terms "Auntie" and "Uncle" with affection and respect.
I am originally from India (and Pakistan through extension), and was called Chota Sahib when I was a young boy; a term my father used long after we left the Subcontinent.
My Hero! My Superman!I wnat to sit at your feet and LEARN! :-))
Wow! Never mind the rest of this hub, I'd love to have a maid. I'm moving to India, this is really a wonderful hub.
Brothe Micky-hey keep smiling.If everyone smiles togetehr what will the world ever lack???
That's the life. This isn't me answering BTW I got my maid to do it. I tell everyone she's my neice. The case comes up next week.
Up and funny.
TL- the last of the burra sahibs were you? yess now i rememeber you were also in Pune , my birthplace.they did tell me about you when i was born but since i was quite young at that time i then forgot.
good to be connected TL.
Dimitri-Ahaaaa and i would give all the maids in my kingdom to get my wife to just pinch me once like your you once claimed does you!!!!!
my superheroooooo i want to be a stud like you.
Bobbi- i made the offer before - i repeat it now.Would you want a male maid who has been treated like the maid by all the maids for so long that he alomst feels like a junior maid by now.
i know an omlette is made of eggs.is that enough???
Feline- GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
trust you to pick the insignificant omlette over my victory!!!1
it tasted of mushrooms,ambrosia,red wine,fillet de mignon',honey,the fresh air of spring ahaaaaaaaa words failto describe an omlette made of eggs and victory and now i have put the idea in Sarita's head that her school should set a new trend by having at least three Annual functions and have told the maids THAT has been decided for sure.
just yesterday the second maid bowed low and asked me "Uncle will you have an omlette today too?"
GRRRRRR.....ARghhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Am sure you dont want me to comment on ur hub after this....
you have a cholestrol problem..ur iron is pathetically low...and ur overweight.....thats y Maa does what she does...
LOL
And am waiting for the hub which will talk about the women in ur life...dont mess with me am a lawyer! hehe
Apoorva- iron- THAT is the problem i guess.
If I had more IRON in me then the maids wouldn't have dared to mess with my orders.
and the women in my life? you betch you are going to figure in it. you just watch this space!!!
Friend millar-
if she is not your niece but actually your maid are you -
1) making her work only eight hour days
2) paying her double wages for extra work
3) giving her two days off in a week besides annual leave,casual leave, medical leave etc as per rules
4) paying at least the basic minimum wage with annual appraisals and increments.
5) ensuring a healthy working environement and taking care of motivating her.
In case you are its fine otherwise please hide the fact that she is a maid keep calling her your niece.
I CAN imagine this early morning scene in your house....so does uncle have his porridge or does he get to eat the eggs.......lol
Wonderful fun hub. Enjoyed it. God Bless You.
Wow! That was hilarious. Reminded me of good old days (back home)..when I had the luxury of having maids. :) I'm sure the readers love the funny aspect of you more than the serious one. You really made me smile....I think I chuckled once or twice, especially on that 'strange women' part. Keep writing such comic stuff. You are too good at this. :)
@Vandan
till date uncle mostly had porridge. but NOW on at least a few days an year he shall have egggggggsssss.
@stars- thanks for the warmth as ever
thanks anjali-
must write a full hub on the strange women in my life then.keep smilingggg
Hilarious!! RealHousewife wishes she was a housewife like you - Maids:)! I loved reading this - you kept me guessing and chuckling all the way to the end!
hey thanks realhousewife- for that you are hereby branded strange woman!!!!!!
Haha! That is true also:-). You have me pegged - were you looking in a crystal ball?
a man that can master the maids can do alll ohh real one.
your shenanigans with maids 1 and 2 has earned you a lot of envy...how can someone be so lucky as to have 2 maids? I think you forgot to talk about your driver and your gardener. :P
My only questions are what is a pure vegetarian doing with fillet mignon and what comprises of 'strange' women??
I can commiserate with the wife since whenever I have my Annual Day,my Report card day, my magazine day, my PTA day...everyone in the family had better keep a mile distance from me.
Thanks for the chuckle Neel.
Oh Dianacharles - thank you! You have just reminded me that I have a PTA meeting tomorrow:)
Maids 1 and 2 huh.. bliss.. left it all behind for the land of milk and honey! How I miss the sweet sound of "Didi, what do you want for breakfast?" !! Sure rub it in pal !!
Hope you enjoyed the omlette! :D :P
this is pure neeleshian humour.. my hubby's gonna love this!
started my day with this blog post. and boy, i sure do envy sarita vahini and her TWO obedient maids. that should make her happy. no fun having something if no one envy's you for it;-)
and neelesh dada, please enjoy your days(s) in the sun. you can be the boss as long as your wife allows you to be!!!!
So you are the de facto Lord and Master for the time. Just watch it and dont start believing that this will last. The De-Throning can be painful ;)
BTW Have you considered the possibility of the maids ringing up Sarita and telling tales - in case you get tooooo comfortable ~~~~~
@Diana- yes there is a gardner and there is also a driver.but unfortunately the gardner only reports to madam and the driver reports on me.like i get to hear "aha who was the strange woman you had coffee with the other day"This when i had got the car parked three parking lots away and dodged through bye lanes to get to a coffee shop merely to have cofee with my old high school teacher!!!!!!so the more the servants the tuffer life gets for me.so all you crowd do not PLEASEEEEE do not envy me.
and strange women are the women i talk to when my wife is not looking. so i guess most of youuu here.
@Uma- it was an omlette made of two eggs and a victory. felt real sweet.
jaishree your husband have the same problem as me? we could unionise maybe!!!!!
suchitra- dayssss!!aha those will be the days.i just got a part of a part of a day. but boy it was enufffffff
Victory sure is sweet enough to write a hub about Aunty Neelesh!...loved it!
Here's wishing you omelette's to your heart's desire, in the day's to come! :)
rashmi one swallow does not spring make.but it is certainly better than no swallows.
this was my exact feeling as i swallowed the omlette that day.
one lives in the hope that what happened once can happen again tooo.
Oh, Lord of all you... Of All You... Well, of your omelet anyway! I am impressed with your diligence pertaining to your Lordness issue.
Round these parts, the daddy gets the big piece of chicken! Well, truthfully, only if the mama insists. I suggest... lowering your voice an octave, take your iron where you can get it ~ without being told to ~ and remind your lovely "nieces" of the household that you are, like the stem which holds the flower ~ a viable extension of the woman of the house.
Your morning antics made me laugh! How good that does feel after slaving away in the yard today, spreading fertilizer and seed.
~Always a pleasure!
who is the stem and who the flower Scarlett?
Well, I guess the simplest and most humble way to answer that question might be with a question, Do you want to be the stem or the flower? (;
i would rather be the butterfly that flits from flower to flower butttttt welllll- if wishes were horses i would eat omlettes everyday!!!!!
This was great stuff. If I scrolled up, it'd probably still be great stuff. Wait a sec...
Yeah, still great stuff. Love the whole omelet bit and the 'scrambling' and 'omeletted' deal. Good luck on your search for strange women.
ahaah don't let my wife see this pleaseeee. it will further reinforce her belief that i actually go look for strange women!!!!
I really liked this. It had a crazy kind of humor and definately shows a different way of life. I need a maid or two or three... or if you are available and want to help out, I would appreciate it :) Although I have to say, I am very happy that you got your ommelette!
what will my duties be as a maid? i can make nice omlettes but need internet time as part of the compensation package and will not work whenever the urge to write strikes me. is that acceptable?
I wonder if I could have a conversation with my microwave oven…? I enjoy your style…:)
Lori -you will have to ask my refrigerator which wrote this pArticular piece.being absolutely cool the fridge has a great sense of humour.you will have to surely advice your microwave not to talk hot to you since that is likely to be censured by hubpages!!!!! loll
thanks for stopping over.
I guess I can work with that... as long as there are tasty omelettes involved! LOL
Brilliant and extremely funny. I would whip up an omelette for you anytime, just to be able to sit and read all of your articles. :) vocalcoach ps pushed all the buttons and rated up!
Wow what fun! Awesome work.
Good humor is a difficult things to achieve, and that too in trivia of daily chores - It really requires effort of presentation. You did a great job.
@Anusha hey thanks for laughing by.
hi there all those that are just stepping in. i see a sudden massive spurt in traffic here. can someone tell me why? delighted of course
Wow...all I can say that neeleshkulkarni--you are blessed to have so many maids. These days having even one is a blessing in india :)
What a wonderful and funny Hub, you made me smile, Neeleshkulkami. I look forward to following you and hope you will honor me as well.
B Malin- lovely having you over.i am glad the smile lit up your face reading this. keep dropping in as i promise to too.
Just checking to see who's leading, Omelette's, or Strange Women!...looks like the latter! :P
Wow! I kept on laughing while reading your hub, It´s so funny! It reminds me of my helper at home when I´m in the Philippines. But why does your maid not listening to you? Only to your wife? Great writing. Thanks for sharing.
@Rashmi an omlette in hand is better than many strange women on the comp- so the eggs win.they r not only available they are also safer.
Hi Neelesh,
This was so funny..I really enjoyed it..I went a hunting to see how you are..I hope you are well and in the process got to read a fantastic hub that I am so sorry for taking so long to read..
Take care,
Sunnie
Suniiie thanks a tonne. it's been many years since a lovely lady went hunting for mee !!!!thanks for the morale boost.have not been writing much since my daughter was getting married but will resume now.
Namaste Neeleshkulkarni,
I am indeed impressed by your writing but even more bewildered by the way you play with the words, their sounds and meaning. Your writing is delicious and this was part of my breakfast. I have no maid, I live in NYC, so I was pretty much sparing with chocolate pancakes, corn flakes and black tea.
You know I decided to get back to an healthy diet but those tempting foods keep on calling my name in the morning. When I don't come, they wait fifteen minutes and start sending their smells walking around the house to be more convincing. And when this does't work, the kids just ask for them, so after preparing and serving them my hands just automatically serve me!!!
Now, I have to had sit ups, push ups and squats to my yoga routine!
Enjoy your day and allow us to delect ourselves reading your subs.
NiaLee
PS One last advice, even on the web, strange women can be dangerous!
I am indeed impressed by you (pardon the editing)
Your writing is delicious (did not edit this- could have)
you think any spouse would say such nice things??? which is why though dangerous Strange women( and men) are as eecesary to us as burgers and fries and errr chocolate pancakes!!!! much to be said for the complete wholesome diet butt puhleeeeeeze not everyday!!
So here you are! I've heard that strange women in groups are much less dangerous than one-on-one. . . :-)
nut not even half as much fun Nellie.!!!!!
This was so funny. I mean really funny. Seems both you and DeGreek have maid trouble. I was reminded of his story of how his maid had a maid because she was allergic to dust. This was a nice break in my day. But I still wish I had 3 maids.
neeleshkulkarni,
These maids are Made In India. In this maiden reply to maiden man I must tell that God himself is Ardhnarishwar. That you have become full is an achievement. Enjoy your day!
Lots of Love,
MAKUSR
Excellent very nice articles i like it
A great read and thanks for the fun.
I now look forward to reading many more by you.
Take care
Eiddwen.
hey thanks Eiddwen now i have people all over the globe who know albeit for one day yet i did win at home.lollll
thanks to hub pages. stay tuned friend
An interesting Hub. A gentle reminder about how there is nothing more interesting than the the monotonous life we lead.
monotony can be interesting if we look for the seconds of fun in it kumar. yes you are absolutely right.
nice job here Uncle :) A double karma for you indeed and you have earned the eggs...thanks...bill
I just had to come back to this hub again. I needed a comic relief. Enjoyed it as muich as the first time. Thanks and rated up again!
vocalcoach~
i have been trying to write many more vc but they always turn the down saying my writing does not meet their standards.now i also write at http://walkerthroughlife.blogspot.com/
but only when articles are rejected by hubs. this is so much more fun
Love your wry humor, well written. Thanks for the laughs! Have a wonderful day. God Bless!
Funny and an interesting insight into another way of life.
In return to your comment, it sounds like you are setting up Google Analytics, not submitting your URL. Try the updated link I have added.
Love your humour! I can't stop reading now!
thanks a tonne Brett.
errrrrr i apologize Nell but at times i write serious stuff too but am glad you enjoyed this.
I don't speak to the microwave anymore neeleshkulkarni, I've banned myself from using it. I speak to the other kitchen appliances but I can't repeat the words here.
A charming Hub on the eternal battle of the sexes, voted up
ahah you think if you don't write it here I will not know! your Food processor thinks she has found a soul mate in my toaster and tells him everything, and the toaster being a good friend of mine tell me everything when i pop a toast into it.
But it is all right, I am not posting either because maybe my toaster is a double agent and tells your food processor everything too, and we don't want that in the public domain do we?
Well I for one am happy to be one of the "strange women" in your life if you can keep me smiling as you did with this hub. Loved reading this! Still smiling! Voted up and funny.
welcome to the strange women's club.the more the strangerier.
thanks for voting it up.
231084 14 months ago
This certainly does have a hint of wodehousian humour...!Loved the comedy (out) of conversations bit ! :)