my sweet smelling wife
77to all husbands-never try to fool your wife
Though this hub is about my wife and her uncanny ability to smell just about everything ,it is actually about something applicable to all wives the world over.It has been written to help all married men understand that their wives can smell anything they do and hence they should not try to do anything behind their backs.
To start simply, mine can smell out non vegetarian food. She is a strict vegetarian and we hardly ever get any non vegetarian items home. However, the other day due to my falling sick, was advised to drink loads of chicken soup, and deciding to make it at home we asked the maid to get some pieces of chicken which she dutifully brought wrapped in a polythene bag.
Now imagine the scene next morning - me sitting at the dining table with the laptop, responding to messages on Facebook, the maid in the kitchen making the morning tea and walking in just then, the wife. Grabbing a cup of tea, she comes and sits bang opposite, doing her best to ignore my being on the net (which as all my regular readers know she thinks is a den of vice where ‘strange’ exotic women for some strange and undoubtedly exotic reason want to flirt with me all the time). All of a sudden jerking, flaring her nostrils, sniffing a few times she asks the maid “Did you get IT?” At this, gesturing to the maid to be silent, putting a thousand flirtatious strange women on hold and looking into her eyes you see me calmly saying, “No honey, she forgot.” The nostrils come back to normal and she responds with a tame, “Must be the eggs she has cooked for you... it sure was a non-vegetarian kind of smell!” Whatever that means.
“But they are hard boiled eggs, darling,” me. “No way they could smell.” At this she retires hurt and goes back to the newspaper (or rather she retires and it is known who is going to get hurt by the time the day is over-me, naturally.) The' thousand exotic women' beckon me back to the computer, which however is not the end of the story. Just five minutes later jerking up again, walking into the kitchen, sniffing a few times and looking at the maid she points to the polythene bag and the maid nods. The bag is then dangled jubilantly in front of my eyes with the comment. ”I could smell it,” , resulting in the crashing back to earth of my theory that her fantastic sense of smell was just a put on.
She can even smell the my lunch menu. This is fine if one is sitting across the table form her and eating with her, as happens on most days . This is however also applicable even when one is out and a double cheese pizza or a deep fried chicken is being placed on ones table. Always, without fail, at that exact moment before the first morsel is thrust into ones system she calls and asks, “Having lunch darling?” And then coos, ”Yes ,do go on, all those pizzas, burgers, fried chicken need customers too, right?” And all that was enjoyable turns to ash in ones mouth. Mind you, she actually names the specific dish that is on the table at that moment and she is always accurate!
So husbands wake up and realize that if a woman can smell across mobile airways, how much would a wife be able to detect when you come after a night with the boys and try to pass it off as overtime at the office!.
If it was just food one could probably live with it but she can also smell out women!
At this age one hardly has any female friends and mine are mostly the ones who are also her friends but every time one meets an old female friend (say once every five years) she can smell it.All of you do know that wives can sniff out the smell of the woman on you when you came home after a date with your school time ex and it is it understandable, (what a marvellous fantasy – a woman meets one outside home and getting so close to one as to get her smell on ones clothes -mmmmmmmmmmmm) but mine does not let things get so far ever, nor will yours and so the best you can do is avoid such situations totally.. An example will explain this.
a very rare situation evolved when one got call from a ‘between second and third semester of graduation’ girlfriend, who for a brief three weeks had been really, really – nah, let us not get carried away with that one since ones daughters read this hub too.
Suffice it to say that she called and wondered if we could catch up over dinner as she was in town for a day. Since one is not allowed out unescorted after 7 pm there was some incoherent mumbling at this end and a a lunch date was settled on . Living in the eastern part of Delhi ,a meeting in western-most part is fixed up so as to put the maximum distance between self and wife.. Telling her one was going to be out for lunch, and suspending ones best judgement, off one goes to meet her.One walks up to her, finds her looking the same as when one first fell for her, and looking deep into her eyes, shakes hands . She responds by warmly placing her hand on ones hand...and just then the phone rings.
“Having lunch darling,” asks the wife, in that super soft voice she uses only when she intends to sock with a sledge hammer later.
“Err, yes, yes, of course lunch,naturally,” one stammers back.
Her sense of smell at full blast, she comes back with a super soft, “Who with?” Ones blood freezes as one mutters, “A client”.
“Which client, ” she asks, making it clear she actually means “witch client.”
A name is muttered as she says “Ahaaaa” as only wives can, and disconnects.
Needless to say there is no lunch date then, since the ex-girlfriend sees blood drain from ones face as she hears the mumbled words, “Hospital...sorry...medical emergency...must go,”’ in some kind of order and sees her date rush away, leaving her stranded.
A first date with her in 35 years lasts exactly 35 seconds. She being someone's wife too, smells the truth too and decides to never call back. As for what happens later that evening, that is another story!
Trust this will be enough to educate all husbands in to never try to outwit their wives and do things behind their backs since the year of togetherness have almost always given them a kind of sixth sense about us and the smallest facial expression, the batting of an eyelid at the wrong time, the micro vibration in the tone of our voices can all convey the fact that there is something you is trying to hide- and every time is happens trust is lost which is the most basic thing in a marriage.
(to prevent anything untoward happening after this is published may it be stated that the episode with the girl friend is imaginary and bears no resemblance to anything that happened in real life ever)
vote upvote downshareprintflag
- Useful (5)
- Funny (6)
- Awesome (8)
- Beautiful (4)
- Interesting (4)
thanks a tonnne stars.
Giggle. It might even be a service to mention to you and your male audience here that all women can read signs but not all mention them. Might be more valuable. hehe
mine sure does very very subtly Nellie.and then sledge hammers me to pulp.very very quietly.
but all said and done life with women sure is fun!!!
Perhaps you should carry a bottle of disinfectant with you? :D
Oh ! I love the humor. Glad to have you back ? are you going to be a regular again ?
Good to see you back in action..err I meant writing hubs noy dating exs...lol
I think you better update your glossary of non verbal signals which women can read ... so that you know how not to let the cat out of the bag. Still smiling over this hub
That was really funny. What can I say....it all sounded so familiar. It just seems like you read my hubby's mind. He says the same things to me (and about me) at least once a week. :)I'm guessing it happens with most couples after 10-15 years of marriage. You should never stop writing. You really are gifted.
hilarious as usual!!!!
Namaste, as always you are so funny and true Neelesh! My friend it is a pleasure to read you. And yes, wives can feel and smell anything...Now you gave me energy for the week...or more.I remember feeling so many situations and just stating before hand: "I think that this is happening and I would advise you to avoid trouble!!!! But then, God gave us ALL free will..."
Being a man who never does anything contrary to the wife's wishes (let alone having dates on the sly YOU SHAMELESS PERVERT) I cannot comprehend how you could be be so daringly rush in your behaviour. YOU ARE MY HERO!!!
a suggestion worthy of a woman FP.if i did carry disinfectant you think she would not be able to smell it?And when she knows i carry disinfectant will not even the few escapades i actually get away with get doomed? as also many that i never do, since she will always be able to say look i know you must have done something and hidden it with disinfectant!
i was a regular Ak but hubpages was turning down my writing as either too personal or plain and simple substandard.now we have arrived at a kind of peaceful coexistence for the moment and let me see where it all leads up.
ap all ex's now carry a statutory warning printed on their foreheads:dating ex's can be injurious to your health" so no wayyyyyyyy.
Sorrrrrrrrrrry Neel. You know for what.
Tell me did you wonder if you kept your hub at 'normal' levels,HP would again reject it as substandard and that is why you decided to indulge in some hyperbole?
After all some wise guy did say- the spouse is always the last to know :P
@phoenix ritu- there is now way i can pick up new signals verbal or non verbal.since the incident of the ex i am no longer allowed to go out unescorted any time of the day and have been given a 3G phone on which i have to show live video streams of the people i am with when asked for.so where is the opportunity?
ahhaa- et tu anjali?you got it all mixed up friend, he does not SAY these things to you, I am sure you DO these things to him!!!!a wife is a wife is a wife is wife still.
thanks for the vote of confidence though my last three hubs were sent back as substandard and i got so dejected i stopped writing all together.Even this was a struggle too but I guess I am getting the hang of what these guys here want.
yes vandan hilarious till read by wife.and also not if written by YOUR husband.
by far the most dangerous kind of wife-your kind Nia.the type that says softlyyy "see I feel this way, but if you think differently, well you just go ahead."
every once in a while even the most seasoned husband tends to get taken in by this one and tends to give his wife's opinion deep thought, considers all the pro cons of her opinion objectively and then after considering all aspects decides that the advice could be ignored- and there, well need i elaborate what happens?
i was rash Dimitri ,undoubtedly and so have been prohibited from going out unescorted at all times of the day.A panel of escorts has been set up whose character and competence are regularly assessed and only with them(needless to say all either male or elderly females related to my wife)am I allowed to go out.
she is also bought me one of those cameras you fit into the top of the head and which can broadcast streaming videos of whatever i do to a central control room which has advanced software to detect all females within a radius of 200 square meters ,in the eligible age group (for a promiscuous pervert like me defined as 15 to 70) and beam images of whether i am looking at them.
the only way i can beat the software is by pretending they are clients in which case I have to show clips of them signing a contract.I did try taking a blank paper for one of my exes to sign as i talked to her but it caught when the security incharge zoomed in on the paper and it turned out she was writing- well why go into too many details.I am grounded for good.but boyyyyy were those 35 seconds worth it!!!
it is all right Diana.i understand you were too busy to take a look at the draft.Ashvina did a magnificent job of setting it right but it came back as too personal so i had to add the hyperbole to make it have some 'redeeming social relevance.'
i wonder if you are aware of those soft porn malyali films where after showing all kinds of stuff people want to see, in the last three minutes they show the promiscuous heroine or hero dying or going to jail so that people know they ought not to ever do the stuff they just enjoyed seeing! This I guess is the same.lol
Hmmm... if YOU say so Neel... When I last edited a poem for someone, he told me after that, that it was more my poem than his since I had made so many changes.:P Copy editors and teachers like their little blue pencils ;)
Ha-I got quite a kick out of your story here Neeles. You should know better than try to trick your intuitive wife. LOL
Hi Neelesh, I thought I was reading about my own wife..sorry but you cant help it, you shall have to live the way you are living.
You know, while I used to go out on tour for seminars and meetings out of station with coworkers, her first question invariably was 'is your secretory too is going'. Just imagine poor me.
can anyone ever trick a wife Linda? if one tries to trick one gets a kick.poetic but painful and true.at the end of that 35 second date my visitation rights to well- a certain room of the house were withdrawn and were restored after 35 days only when i bribed to doctor to tell my wife i had an allergy to the living room couch which could result in debility and senility within 35 months.so I am now better behaved.
@Suni- tell me did the secretary always go with you?
was she pretty? don't leave out the best parts friend.
i am anyways running my own company and so my personnel policies (such as age and gender of employees) are determined by the wife and leave little scope for secretaries.lucky youuu!!!!
You are Truly the Master of Comical Writings Neeleshkulkarni...You could be New Delhi's, "Woody Allen"! Very Funny Hub!
Neelesh, Thoroughly enjoyed reading. You truly are a very gifted Writer, Full Of Wit as always.
I Look forward to reading your other "adventures" !
I just love you Neeles-Your like a a grown up little kid. I bet you were into a lot of mischief as a child. Your hubs makes me smile friend. Stay out of trouble- but you know we hubbers are here for you when you get your hand slapped.
@malin- thanks a tonne friend.hey that is a great compliment but you know what all these put such loads of pressure on me to write only comic hubs.but no, this time i am going to write a serious one lets see what results it gets.thanks for dropping by.
@hemant- thanks for dropping by old friend.So now you know Shantabai is totally safe with me.There is not much i can do with her.lol
ahah Linda you just doomed me further.I just hope the wife does not sniff the laptop or she will just pick up the "I love you neelesh" and i will get confined to the couch for another 6 months.lol
Keep dropping in friend, it is great to see you smile.
Hello Neelesh...You and your wife have created a hedge around your 30 years of marriage and I admire that so much. Your wife is very attentive to your needs and wants. She knows you very well so yes..her radar is working very well...I enjoyed this so much...I would say this a great hub alerting all that the wife does know the smells within her own domain and any any unfamiliar smells will set those alerts off instantly..and then watch out! lol
Sunnie
you are absolutely right Sunnie.My wife has got me all hedged in.imagine when a guy cannot even date an old time crush!
Your wife is a very wise women...I am giving your wife a vote up and away...lol
Hi Neelesh, that was time when we used to record minutes of the meeting by hand. And my company thought a female (an attractive one) would be a good choice for the marketing head of the company. And that made all the difference. I was always under a scanner. You know them, Don't you? Mine could smell from thousands km. Unlucky me!!
Hilarious Hub, Neelesh!...and glad that this story is just a figment of your vivid imagination!...
Three cheers to The scent Of A Woman! :)
great article!
Since I have four years extra experience than you ; I don't want you or anyone to know that there are ways to mask the smells and still be a sweet honey for your alter ego.In case any one is interested to learn that technique I charge hefty fee. Good Luck to all starving men including me may be some times ; May God give some extra sense to wives that can make them understand what men want.
gender loyalty triumphs over friendship! no other explanation to this sudden volte face.For all future contacts please send me your husbands e mail
Suni dear friend wives being short sighted did not then (or now or ever)understand that we just had to have beautiful women as secretaries as all beautiful women have beautiful hands and hence a beautiful handwriting.This of course was just to avoid an ugly woman scribbling away something illegible and then one not being able to have data for taking decisions.While wanting all the perks of a corporate life, wives would never understand the harsh realities.Well anyways since you are retired and I almost so i guess we can take it in our stride now.(till old crushes turn up asking for a date)
or was it Rashmi?
thanks a load poolium
I have seen photographs of you and your wife on all those fancy trips you take her to to assuage your guilt madhav.
so. i do know.
Neelesh, what a wonderful humor writing with dealing of day to night life, and so close to heart of every man and women reluctantly agreeing to it! Looking to read may more from you! Hearty Welcome back to celebrating life! Ganapati Bappa Moreover-yeah!
Hi, This was so funny! lol! thanks for making me laugh while I sit here suffering with flu, (a bad cold!) haha! I think your wife must have a hidden camera she has sewn into your clothes, either that or she is really clever! lol!
ahaha she has a hyper sensitive sense of smell-like all wives- nothng more nothing less and the entire focus of the entire gift is just one guy-me.
Thanks for dropping by Nell.If i the story of my cooling off on my first date with an ex could help you ward off a cold,i guess i have done my job. thanksss for the vote up.
could you possibly share this hub with your readers, maybe it will give me a boost up.
A fun and witty hub. Your wife is not so unusual, all us women can smell trouble. It's called intuition.
Have a nice weekend! Eat up!
Voted up, funny, awesome.
of course Ann.You think i do not know women can smell trouble.I was once in a situation when with me,my mother and wife with two daughters at home, my sister with her two daughters came to stay over and was joined by my sister in law with two daughters to her credit.
you can imagine the fun they had and the brutality of the analysis which i was put through!!!!.So i have lived in a female dominated world all my life and i know they can smell trouble and to them anything husbands do is troublesome. lol
thanks for dropping by.
Ha Neeleshkulkarni! You are terrible! Trying to sneak in meats and pizzas and exotic ladies right under your wife's nose....well you should have known that wouldn't pass muster:) lol
now i do know and also know that most of my friends on hubpages are going to stand by my wife when push comes to shove.ahah should have known that with a monicker like realhousewife you ARE going to be on her side!!
glad you dropped by no hub of mine is complete without comments from some special friends of whome you are one.
My friend Jynzly(she is a hubber too) dropped by awhile ago, and I asked her to read this. I told her, your hub describes her to a T. Hahaha. She almost killed me, but as you can see, am still alive to write this.
Thank you for this very entertaining hub.
i am glad my wife has not read this.It fits her to a t too.anyday you suddenly find me not responding to messages do know that she has and say a prayer for my departed soul.
thanks for dropping by.
haha...I did not expect this from you neelesh :)
I am pretty sure your wife knows ALL but she is smart enough not to create a scene :))
however, you did try to convey a good message to all men out there.
Now I understand what you mean!!! I can imagine how many stories you'll have to put in that file, "Wasted Years"! But you're a young man and the best is yet to come! I can't understand why some wish to be command of everything, whether male or female. Where has all the love and trust gone, does it only last a few days is what I'd actually like to know? Great hub, and I'm glad you can laugh about all this now!!!
I'd like to see a new photo of yourself. One that all these women over the net can see today!
whooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooosh finally someone who thinks i am young.I dear child,am 56 this year, which compared to 300 yrs old is certainly young but then you do not look as old as THAT- unless this is a 250 year old photograph!!!!
i look worse than the best picture of me i have put up.so i dare not put up another picture- lol
hahaha... i visit this hub for the comments which would surely give another bout of laughter to my day.
I shared this in my twitter and redgage account.
good day to you and your wife.
thanks for sharing this hub and i am very sure you are a male because had you been a female then even before i logged in my wife would surely have smelt you out and asked me"who is this tenkay who is commenting on your hub?"
lol thanks for being a friend.
Well done and very true words. I never doubt the power of a woman's senses or sixth sense.
First, if your wife is reading this, I am not a sexy female with questionable motives, and even though people often lie on the net and post other people's pictures to hide their true identity, I am at the moment, and will hopefully remain for the forseeable future, only a man. There, I had to say all that, because what I say next might be misinterpreted if I was, in fact, a sexy female. So here goes. You're great.
lol it takes one to understand another.thanks a tonne.admit to being tickled by the greatness attributed to me.
a very interesting hub, i enjoyed reading, thanks
stars439 Level 7 Commenter 3 months ago
Excellent hub. God Bless You.